Vampires suck at smoking

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Created on Friday, 14 November 2014 16:36

Written by James Leavey

Dublin's stalwart inhabitants recently survived Halloween and the city's third annual Bram Stoker Festival. Unfortunately there are still blinkered bands of 21st century vampires a.k.a. the anti-smoking-lobby sucking the blood and money out of dedicated nicotine companions.

They're also trying to put a stake through the heart of our right to enjoy a legally purchased cigar in peace.

Bastards.

That genius scribbling Dubliner, Stoker, must surely take part of the blame for he created the most famous vampire of all time - Dracula. Who didn't smoke. That didn't stop him draining his victims dry, rather like some bankers and loan sharks.

But old Vlad had at least one redeeming feature for he did offer his English guest, Jonathan Harker, an after-dinner cigar in his grim castle in Transylvania.

What I'd like to know is where did the Count buy his stogies? Were they kept in a coffin in his crypt?

And did that courtly bloodsucker ever try an Havana? For he had a fire going in his dining room to help that sad sap, Harker, relax.

Ironically, Dracula could at times turn into a whisp...rather like the smoke from a cigar.

If he had been a cigar loving vampire - for surely nicotine cannot kill somebody who is already dead - would Dracula's victims have sensed or got a whiff of his presence when he descended, fangs drawn, maw open, on the carotid vein in their neck?

Picture this: the sun's gone down, you're out for a moonlight stroll in the Carpathians and you get this sniff of approaching danger.

'Jaysus!' you mutter as you reach for the garlic and wooden stake. 'It's a Montecristo No.2 out here in the wilderness of central Europe. It can't be the wolves, they're all on nicotine fucking patches. I do believe that devil Dracula is heading my way for I can see two red points of light. They're either his eyes or he's using two lighters....'

A final thought while you're busy locking all the doors and windows and clutching the nearest crucifix: If Stoker's character was, shall we say, based on a real life Irish vampire could there be a connection with Guy Hancock?

Perhaps the DCE would then be better known as Dracula's Cigar Emporium....

And while we're at it, how come Mr H wears a long black cloak and is never around on sunny days?

Sleep well.